Restraint has been on my mind.

Not silence.
Not compliance.
Not pretending I am not angry.

Restraint is recognizing that my first reaction is one option, not an order.

My first reaction can be immediate. Protective. Selfish. Occasionally funny once enough time has passed.

A kid pushes exactly the button they seem to have been issued at birth. My husband says something at precisely the wrong moment. Pain or pressure shortens the distance between feeling something and doing something about it.

But that first reaction can wash through me.

It does not need the steering wheel.

The better question is:

What power do I have here, and how am I going to use it?

Every human being has some measure of power.

A parent has power with a child.
Partners have power within a marriage.
Leaders have power at work.

We even have the power to raise our voice, withdraw our attention, refuse an answer, offer gentleness, or simply wait.

I am beginning to think character is not what we believe we would do with power.

Character is what we repeatedly do with it when another person’s free will collides with ours.

So my standard for growth has become smaller and considerably harder than perfection:

Did I respond intentionally?

Did I behave a little less selfishly than I might have before?

Did I leave the other person’s agency intact?

Sometimes the answer is no.

Then that becomes information.

And the next opportunity becomes practice.

The first reaction gets a vote.

It does not get veto power.